You've probably heard of the term "relationship goals." It's used to describe a couple that is happy, healthy, and in love. But what if you don't have that? What if your relationships aren't working for you?

Maybe...

You're not giving yourself time to heal fully.

You can't move on from your last relationship unless you are fully healed from the last one. If you're not ready to heal, then you will continue to be attracted to the same kind of person that doesn't work for you in relationships.

This can also apply to childhood, past experiences, trauma, inner child, or even your inner self.

You're scared to be alone.

You are scared to be alone.

There, I said it. You are afraid of being alone; you fear abandonment, loneliness, and not being enough or worthy. In other words, you're afraid of not having someone in your life who makes you feel loved and accepted just as you are—and without them by your side to confirm that reality for yourself all the time. You need constant reassurance that a romantic partner will be there for you when times get tough (and they will). As long as those things are happening on an ongoing basis for one reason or another (whether because of something specific going on currently or their general behavior), then everything's good... right? Right?!

You're operating from a place of scarcity. You deserve quality over quantity.

If you have a tendency to operate from a place of scarcity, it may be time for a change. Hanging onto the idea that your happiness depends on someone else is what keeps you stuck in unhealthy relationships. You may think being with someone will complete you and improve everything, but this isn’t true!

You already are enough as an individual and don't need anyone else to make up for what you perceive is missing inside yourself. No matter how much they love and value you, they cannot fill up an empty spot inside of yourself. Only YOU can do that! The only person responsible for making YOU happy is YOU! It's up to YOU alone to decide if the relationship makes sense according to your needs, wants, and desires, not theirs or anyone else's (unless there are kids involved).

You're not setting boundaries.

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you can make every relationship work, but it's not going to happen if you're unclear about what you want and don't want in your life. If a relationship is stressing you out, causing anxiety, or making it difficult for you to fulfill other obligations in your life (like work), then it should go. Likewise, if there are certain things that are important to you that someone else refuses to respect or accommodate, they shouldn't be around either.

Remember: It doesn't mean something is wrong with the person who isn't honoring your boundaries; it just means they aren't right for this part of your life right now.

You haven't done your inner work. You must get to know yourself again to heal and love yourself fully.

Back to my first point: You haven't done the inner work to fully heal from your past. The reason why so many relationships (platonic and romantic) aren't working for you is that you haven't done your inner work. You are still in a trauma response from your past relationship(s). It's time for you to get to know yourself again so that you can heal and learn to love yourself fully, with perceived flaws and all. Otherwise, how can you possibly share yourself authentically with someone else?

To do this, it's paramount that you know who you are before sharing yourself with anyone else. What do I mean by "knowing who you are?" This means knowing what your values are, what your boundaries are, what your triggers are, and more. What are your dreams and hobbies? What are your likes, dislikes, and deal-breakers? What is your identity? Who are YOU without the titles, roles, responsibilities, and pressures of society? Basically, everything that makes up YOU as an individual separate from the other person in any relationship (or potential one).

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. If you're not comfortable in your own skin, then it's hard to be happy in a relationship. You can't give what you don't have. When I was younger, I never thought much about relationships—they just happened and were always good or bad. As I grew older, though, I realized that if people are going to be in love with me and want to be around me, then they need to like who I am first and foremost; otherwise, it won't work out long-term.

If you are reading this, I know that means you've realized that you keep dating the same toxic person repeatedly. Or maybe you realize you are staying in friendships and other platonic relationships past their expiration date. You say to yourself 'It could be worse,' or 'It's not that bad,' or keep trying to change yourself to make the other person happy.

I want you to know you don't need someone else to make you feel good about yourself. When you start the work of healing your past and building your self-esteem & confidence up you can get to a place where you love being with yourself so much that you only attract top-notch QUALITY people in your energy. And you will set and keep those boundaries of only having quality relationships (platonic & romantic) because you don't have time to entertain anything less than the best.

There is a solution

If you're unhappy in your relationships, it could be because they're not working for you. The best way to fix this is to take ownership of your role in the situation and do something about it.

If you want to improve your relationship with others, then the solution is simple: Heal your past and learn to truly love yourself first (perceived flaws and all)!

If you are ready to heal your past, and grow your confidence and self-love so you can have more fulfilling relationships, then I invite you to book a call with me to see how we can work together on a deeper and personal level.

You deserve all the love and happiness this world has to offer. It is your birthright. Now, let’s go claim it!

Xoxo,

Anji

Why relationships aren't working for you